i dream of suicide ghosts
their grappling
heaving

(generally speaking
they are not a happy lot)

i start to avoid the places that are hers
scared shitless
i don't know
her ethical stance towards the living
and i don't know who is dominant
and can you trust someone
who is always disappearing?
whose heart doesn't beat?

spine less
spineless
as a matter of fact
they had removed it
through an incision
at the nape of her neck

right here, where the knobbly bone is
if you bend your neck down
you can feel the bone with your finger i turn my back to you
i bend my neck
i move my fingers in a circle feeling the knobbly bone

waste
alone
desert
by itself

wasted alone
deserted by itself
i am alone err and aloner
(more and more alone)
a loner alone
loaned
i am loaned out
overdue
over.

thanks to jack and luce and gabriel and all those who listened at l'oreille van gogh in verdun.